Descent Continued
by fieldofyellowdandelions
Summary: The continuation of Helen Highwater's Descent. COMPLETE!
1. June 20 – 8:18 AM

A/N: This is a continuation of the experimental fic _Descent_ which was started by Helen Highwater. Unfortunately, real life happens and Helen was unable to finish the story. I offered to continue and was given the honor. I can't promise that it will be as good but I will do my best. Wish me luck. : )

June 20 – 8:18 AM

Why no entry last night? Did you even show up? I don't think you did. I woke up too early. Why was that? I don't understand. I gave you plenty of opportunity to run around outside. I told Leo I didn't want him watching me. I didn't tell him you tricked him last night. I kept my end of the bargain. Why didn't you keep yours?

You're obviously insane and dangerous. You've threatened my family. I took a risk by telling Leo not to watch us last night. You owe me an explanation. I don't want to play these games anymore. I want the truth.

You get one more chance. Tell me what I want to know. If you don't, I'll ask Leo to watch us again and this time I'll let him read the journal. He'll know you're dangerous. He'll tell Master Splinter. You'll never get to leave again.

This is your last chance. 


	2. June 20 – 4:49 PM

June 20 – 4:49 PM

Fair is fair. I make rules. You make rules. Fair is fair. But don't be rude. Watch the pronouns. They get you in trouble. It's rude to say us. There is no us. You are me. I am you. Not us. I. Me. Never us.

I slept. Last night I slept. I meant to go out. I wanted to go out. But he was there. Watching. Waiting. Waiting. Watching. I didn't try to leave. I got a glass of water. I went back to bed. I slept. Sorry I ignored you. You kept your word. He didn't. I shouldn't have punished you. Should I have punished him? He was the one who lied.

Still, he didn't know. You and I are the same. Only you think we are different. I know better. I know better than both of you. You thought it had to do with the night. You know better now. It has nothing to do with the night. You can sleep in the day. You can dream in the day.

You didn't mean to sleep, did you? You were reading, weren't you? But it wasn't enough to keep your eyes from sliding close. You sleep. I wake. That's how it works. And no one knows. I do. You do. No one else.

I went out. The sun was bright. It burned so nicely. Then I came back. He didn't stop me. He didn't question me. He trusts you. He doesn't know to watch for me during the day. I'm you. You're me. He couldn't tell. He didn't know.

You shouldn't tell him. If you tell him, he'll know. You don't want to do that. If you do, there will be consequences. There are always consequences of sin. But don't worry, I'll help you bear the burden. I'll answer your questions.

What do you want to know?


	3. June 20 – 8:41 PM

June 20 – 8:41 PM

When Mikey woke me up for supper, I didn't want to believe that you had been awake. But I woke up so tired that I knew. Your last entry only confirmed it. I can't believe I fell asleep. I can't believe I let you out again. And then I realized something. It's been over a week and you're still here. You're not going away, are you? I'm going to have to get use to sharing my head with you.

First, you need to stop threatening me and my family. You do that again and this 'relationship' ends. In fact, you do anything that makes me suspicious, I go to Leo and end this all. And I will end this. I want answers but not bad enough to put my family at risk. Besides, I don't think you want to hurt them. They're your family too.

Second, I need to know if you've killed anyone.

If you promise not to hurt anyone, stop threatening and tell me what I want to know, I'll tell Leo that you're gone and I don't need him to watch me anymore. At first, he'll still watch, so you'll have to stay in for a few nights. Can you do that?

Well, you have to. If you let yourself become discovered, I'm not bailing you out.


	4. June 21 – 3:16 AM

June 21 – 3:16 AM

Agreed. Spit and shake? Pinky swear? Cross my heart? Hope to die? Will you stick and needle in your eye?

I can't leave. He's still there. Still watching. And me, still waiting. But I won't hurt him, even though he makes me mad. What right does he have to watch? Why can't I watch him? Why must I be watched?

But he is my older brother. He cares. He worries. I can see. Do you see the worry? He thinks I'm crazy. He isn't scared, yet. So, I'll wait until he stops watching. And when he goes to sleep on his winding sheets, I'll go to the surface.

But you asked questions. I promised answers. What was your question? Have I killed? Of course, I have. I killed everyone you killed. And you've killed. Ninja. Dragon. Alien. You killed so I killed. That's a silly question. Ask smarter ones.


	5. June 21 – 2:35 PM

June 21 – 2:35 PM

Stop playing around. You know what I meant. Did you kill anyone the night you took the sheets? What did you use the sheets for? Did you use them to wrap the body of your victim? Where's the body?

I've been checking the news and searching into police files, to see if I could find your victim(s). But this is New York and I haven't had much luck. I need more to go on. I need you to tell me more. Please.

You keep saying that I am you and you are me. And, to a point, that's true. We're sharing the same body and anything you do, I do. At least, to the outside world. And if your hurt someone, I want to make it right. And if you accidentally left something behind that the police could trace back here, I need to know. I need to keep my family safe. Do you understand?


	6. June 22 – 12:03 AM

June 22 – 12:03 AM

I understand. You're scared. Scared of what I'll tell you. Scared of the truth. Scared what they'll do when they find out. Scared what they'll think.

I'm scared too. I don't want them to know what I did. I have reasons to be scared. I don't know why you're so scared. They'll blame me. They'll hate me. They'll just pity you.

Why do you keep talking about the sheets? I apologized about the sheets already. Why are they so important to you? You have lots of sheets. Were they special sheets? If they were, I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have taken them. Maybe.

He's in the dojo. Awake. Listening. Waiting. But I can wait longer. He's tired. He'll need to sleep soon. Maybe tonight. Maybe.

It's hot and stuffy. The walls are closing in. I want to see the sky. I miss the sky. I miss the wind. I miss the rain.

There are flashes. Brighter every second. White. Red. Wet. Flashes.


	7. June 22 – 3:28 PM

June 22 – 3:28 PM

Talking with you is the most frustrating thing I have ever done. All you do is answer in riddles and I have to guess and make connections from your jumble of nonsense. Does it even make sense to you? You seem intelligent. In fact, you're intelligent as I am. You have my memories. You're pretty much me. Except more creepy and less mentally stable.

I'd be lying if I said this whole situation didn't scare me. You're like a part of me that I have no control over. It scares me to think what you could have done and what you could do. So, yes, I'm scared. But that doesn't mean that I don't want –that I don't need– answers. If I didn't want answers, I wouldn't have asked the questions.

I've been reading up on Dissociative Identify Disorder a.k.a. Multiple Personality Disorder in the DSM and I got to say, I'm not seeing a lot of similarities. It's usually brought on by painful, stressful and/or traumatic events. Which, as far as I know, never happened. You just showed up one day. It also mentions losing time, which really hasn't happened. You just appear when I got sleep, whether be it in the day or at night, as you already pointed out. Of course, none of this isn't really a comfort. Psychology is a soft science at best and guess work at worst. Just because I don't have the normal symptoms, doesn't mean much.

As for treatment, the goal is to "reintegrate the different personality into a single, functioning identity." Hmm.


	8. June 23 – 1:38 AM

June 23 – 1:38 AM

The cat is here. Annoying beast. Chews my paper. Knocks over my experiments. Squeeze it's pathetic neck and put it out of my misery. Would you like that? He annoys you to. But can't hurt family, can I?

I need out. I need to run. Run away from the ghost in the wall. She's there. She's staring with her double eyes. Accusing. Begging. Crying. Scared. Angry.

I need out. But he's still there. Still waiting. In his room but not sleeping. Trying to trick me. Trying to catch me.

Can't sleep. Can't escape.


	9. June 23 – 3:30 PM

June 23 – 3:30 PM

Is there some reason why you have turned all my poster around and have completely rearranged the lab? You seem agitated. Panicked, almost. Are you okay?

You mentioned a woman. Are you talking about my poster of Jessica Alba? Is that why you turned the poster around? Because she was looking at you? Can you tell me what the ghost looks like?

Is the ghost the person you killed? Can you tell me more about her? What do you mean by "double eyes"? Also, did you move my pliers? I can't find it.

P.S. Stay away from my brother's cat.


	10. June 24 – 5:07 AM

June 24 – 5:07

You were worried. You locked that cat in your brother's room last night. Smart but you shouldn't have bothered. My brother was sleeping. Finally, he was sleeping. I was free.

Do you remember what freedom is? Or have you been trapped down here too long? Trapped in your need to hid? Trapped by steel and concrete. Trapped by fear and failure. But up there is freedom. Up there I am free from the flashing walls, the haunting ghost. She can't follow me out here. I'm too fast.

She doesn't understand. I didn't mean to. But ghosts, they don't understand. They haunt, even those who are innocent. Ghosts can't tell the difference.

P.S. The pliers is on the top shelf of the closest, behind the stack of Scientific America.


	11. June 24 – 10:35 PM

June 24 – 10:35 PM

Are you feeling better now? You seemed to be agitated there?

Can you tell me more about the woman in the walls? Can you describe her? What color hair does she have? The color of her eyes? Is she short or tall? Fat or skinny?

What can you tell me about the ghosts? Is the ghost and the woman the same?

Leo defiantly looked like he got some sleep last night. And he's already gone to bed, so it looks like you'll be able to go out a night again.

It seems strange but I feel more comfortable with you outside the lair at night. You seem more mentally stable.


	12. June 25 – 4:13 AM

June 25 – 4:13 AM

Freedom. Darkness. Yes, much better. If only I had something warm to drink. I got you a present.

Pale Skin. Black Eyes. Strong. She kicked me in the leg. I can't see her but her voice, it follows. Better to outrun her than stay and listen. Better to run.


	13. June 25 – 5:47 PM

June 25 – 5:47 PM

Thanks for the chocolate bar. I guess it should come as no surprise you know that O Henrys are my favorite. Though, I do wonder where you got the money for this. You did pay for it, right?

I've been trying to find your description of the woman in the police homicide files but so far no luck. I have several matches on missing person of the description, who went missing around the same time you showed up. If I showed them to you, would you see if you could recognize one of them?

Maybe I'm foolish for asking but I 'm getting the feeling you didn't mean to hurt her. Maybe you even feel bad for what you did?


	14. June 26 – 3:20 AM

June 26 – 3:20 AM

Liar! Betrayer! Promise breaker!

You earn my trust. You extend hands of friendship. Of partnership. Of allies. Betrayer! Traitor!

He is a trickster. He tricked me. I thought he slept. You promised he would sleep. I did what you said and stayed in my room for three nights, with the ghost. But he was there tonight. Following. Watching. Liar!

It hurts. I screamed into my pillow, bit down into the cotton, as it burned. The stench lingers.

It hurts. We''ll have to share the pain. Can't punish you without punishing me. But I'll bear it. Will you? I know pain. Do you?

Remember when Father made me stand in the corner as my brothers played. Remember the humiliation. Remember the shame. Remember the tears. That was a consequence. This is a consequence.

Didn't I say there would be consequences? Next time the legs. That's your last chance. Then the cat. Then the bat. Then the rat. Next time, keep your word, liar.


	15. June 26 – 11:06 AM

June 26 – 11:06 AM

Why? Why did you do it? I know it was you. Who else could it be? I just want to know why. Did you have a reason or is this just what I get for trusting my psycho alter-ego? What is going on with you? One day you're giving me candy and the next you're burning my arms with chemicals. What the shell is wrong with you?

I have no idea what you're taking about. Betrayer? Liar? Promise breaker? I didn't lie. I didn't betray you. I didn't break any promises. I've been trying to help you. Why did you do this? What did I do to upset you?

This was a really stupid move on your part. I had to bandage my arms. Leo's already seen. He didn't ask any questions but he suspects. I could just tell by the way he looked at me.

Damn, this really hurts. I'll take some analgesia and lie down. Hopefully, I won't fall asleep. I don't want to let your crazy self out again. But then, I have no choice, do I?

I just want to know why.


	16. June 27 – 4:22 AM

June 27 – 4:22 AM

Sometimes. I have no control. A puppet, someone else is pulling my strings. A robot, someone else has programmed me. Sometimes, I don't know why I do what I do.

I was angry. At the time, it seemed important. It seemed very important. Now, I just hurts.

My brother followed me again. I let him. He is my brother. I have nothing to hid and he left me alone. I shouldn't have punished you. You didn't know. But I couldn't hurt him. He worries about me. I worry about him. I worry about me.


	17. June 27 – 4:33 PM

June 27 – 4:33 PM

I found an O Henry bar on my desk this morning. Another present? Your way of saying you're sorry? It hurts bad. Of course, you know that. You had to feel it all last night. I'm just lucky it doesn't show any signs of infection. Of course, you know that too. You know what I know and I know enough to change the bandages, which is what you did last night after you came home from whatever it is you do out there.

You know, for all I know you could be killing people every night. I just trust that you're going to give me some hint. But maybe you're just playing me for the fool. After yesterday, I certainly feel like a fool.

In other news, I found a possible match. She was found, wrapped in sheets, in the sewers by city workers. Caucasian. Black hair. They're not sure who it is yet but they think it might be this tourist who went missing around Crawford. Right near that convenience store you mentioned earlier. Do you remember? That was you, wasn't it?

What made you do it? You got angry at me. Did you get angry at the girl? Is that why you hurt her? Did she make you angry?


	18. June 28 – 3:43 AM

June 28 – 3:43 AM

I was careless. I was busy, juggling too many objects and errands. I was sloppy and she saw me with her double eyes. One is recorded by memory, the other by film. All I wanted was the camera. I asked nicely. She wouldn't hand it over.

I tried to take it from her. I needed to protect my family, my father, my brothers, even the cat. I had no choice. I had to keep my family safe. All I wanted was the camera.

But she fought. She kicked. She screamed. I got confused. I became disorientated. I hit her too hard. She fell. And bleed. And bleed. And bleed.

I tried to help. To call for help. To stop the red. But I couldn't. So I wrapped her in winding sheets. I laid her to rest. Hora somni.


	19. June 28 – 2:17 PM

June 28 – 2:17 PM

So, you did kill that girl. I hoped that it was, I don't know, a trick; your way I've trying to scare me or confuse me. But you really did it. I don't know what to do. Maybe you meant to kill her. Maybe you didn't. But you're dangerous and I can't keep letting you run around. I can't say I like the idea of integrating our two personalities but I can't let you continue to be free and have you risk hurting anyone else. I just need to figure out how.

My first step should be to figure out how you came into existence in the first place? Why are you here? Was something leaking my lab, the fumes causing my personality to divide? Did I get hit with a jolt of electricity? An alien interference? Or am I just having a mental breakdown?

I'll probably end up regretting this but I'm not going to tell Leo. Or anyone else. For now.


	20. June 29 – 2:54 AM

June 29 – 2:54 AM

Be part of you again? Yes, I liked it there. I'm fragmented. Alone. Cut off. I feel it. Not true. Not complete. Not whole. Burdened.

But this was not my choice. It was not my choice to leave. I was kicked out. It is not my choice to come back. You don't want me back. I'm tainted with blood and murder. If I came back, you will be tainted too.

Stop talking about integration. Stop asking questions. It will be better. You can have the day. Let me have the night.

I wish he would stop following me. I wish he would just let me be. I just want to be left alone.


	21. June 29 – 2:45 PM

June 29 – 2:45 PM

I don't believe you meant to hurt that girl. I don't think you meant to hurt me either. But she's still dead and my arms still hurt. I'm not scared of you tainting me. I'm scared of what you'll do if I continue to leave you alone.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say I don't want you back. Of course I do. I wouldn't be going to all this trouble if I didn't. So if I want you back and you want to come back, there should be no problem. We just need to figure out how.


	22. June 30 – 1:30 PM

_Written on a yellow legal pad_

June 30 – 1:30 PM

Imagine my surprise when I woke up this afternoon (Yes, you were defiantly busy last night, considering how tired I am now) to find myself at Casey's farmhouse and Raph's cycle in the barn. Raph will kill me for taking his baby, you know.

Why the sudden change in scenery? Not that I'm complaining or anything. The farmhouse in summer is beautiful. Though you could have given me a little more, I don't know, warning!

Maybe this is for the best. There is no one for you to hurt out here. Maybe we can work at getting you back where you belong.


	23. July 1 – 3:56 AM

July 1 – 3:56 AM

Had to get away. I needed out. Away from the lights. The smell. The ghost in the walls. The prying eyes of brothers.

Surprised to still be here. Would have thought you'd have called the others by now. Would have thought my brothers would have already come and got me.

Glad to still be here. This is a special place.


	24. July 1 – 8:21 PM

July 1 – 8:21 PM

I noticed you left behind my cell, so it wouldn't exactly be easy to contact my brothers. But, you're right, I didn't. I didn't want to.

Maybe I got tired of Leo watching me as well. Maybe I just got tired of pretending. Maybe I'm just afraid of what they'll think. I'm not sure but I didn't call yesterday and I'm not going to call today. They'll be worried, of course. And I'd call them, if I didn't know that they'd come and get me. But they'll eventually realize to check here.

You're right about this being a special place. It's always been a haven of sorts for my family. The place we come to hid and to recuperate so it's really no surprise that you came here. Of course, it looks like no one has been here all winter. So, basically, I spent today cleaning. I mean, since all the good jobs have already been taken. I keep forgetting you have all my skills and memories. Though, it was a pleasant surprise to find the stove and the hot water tank already lit.


	25. July 2 – 3:07 AM

July 2 – 3:07 AM

I ran all last night. Ran and ran and ran. There are no walls out there, only darkness. She can't follow if there are no walls for her to hid in. I ran but I couldn't run away from you. You still there, your dreams whispering in my head. Your memories. Your thoughts. Buzzing like bees between my ears. I can't outrun you. I wish I could.

P.S. I ate the last of the food.

_On the next page, there is a rather technical looking sketch of a young woman, approximately mid twenties, with dark hair and pale skin. _


	26. July 2 – 7:14 PM

July 2 – 7:14 PM

I rode into town today to get food and to use the computers at the public library. Aside from the weird look I got for the librarian for wearing a trench coat and fedora in the middle of summer, it went well.

Funny thing. That girl, the tourist I thought you killed. Her name was Gabriel Moncton. But that's not the point. She went missing the night of June 11. So, it couldn't have been you. I mean, you didn't even show up until the 12th.

I feel stupid asking this. I mean, are you sure you killed this girl? I was sure you have but you've really changed. I mean. At first, you were scary. Creepy. But now you just seem sad and confused. It's more and more obvious that we're the same person. You're handwriting is my handwriting. You draw the way I draw.

Speaking of drawing, the one you did looks remarkably similar to the picture of Gabriel Moncton. Did you draw it from a memory? Or did you look her up on the internet, like I did?


	27. July 3 – 2:01 AM

July 3 – 2:01 AM

Gabriel. Angel. Messenger of God. Messages. That's all we have. That's al you have to know that I even exist.

I should never have started this journal. I should never have kept writing when you started to write back. Should never have let you know I was here. Should have let you think you were just sleepwalking or just my little brother playing a prank. But I was... Lonely. Curios. Scared.

But it was a mistake. All a mistake.

Do turtles go to Heaven? Do turtles go to Hell?

I'm suppose to protect you. My job. My only purpose. Stop asking questions. I want to protect you and I can't do that if you keep looking and asking and searching and questioning. You keep asking and there will be consequences and you won't like it. I guarantee, you won't like it.


	28. July 3 – 4:18 PM

July 3 – 4:18 PM

There you go again, getting angry and making threats. And you continue to not make any sense at all.

What do you think you're protecting me from? You've been anything but protective up until this point. And how does not asking questions protect me? Does in mean it'll protect me from you hurting me again? Are you planning on throwing acid on my legs if I don't stop questioning? Isn't that what you said earlier?

Fine, do what you have to do. But I'm not going to stop trying to get to the bottom of this. Something is not right. Having two personalities in the same body is not normal and though I have gotten use to it, I'm not ready to settle down and accept you. You're going back to where you belong, weather you like it or not.


	29. July 4 – 2:46 AM

July 4 – 2:46 AM

You think you're so smart, so intelligent, so clever. Bah. You know nothing. Ha. You don't remember. I do, of course. You made me. My burden. My burden to remember her face. She was scared as she died. I couldn't do anything. I tried but it wasn't enough.

But you don't remember. You don't want to. Trust me, you don't want to. If you did, I wouldn't be here. You wouldn't have made me. Wouldn't have exiled me. Wouldn't have blamed me.

You don't understand. You don't want to. Stop trying.


	30. July 4 – 11:17 AM

July 4 – 11:17 AM

I had a dream, last night. I'm not sure if it was your memories or my imagination. It's raining. Pouring. And Gabriel's there, dead, lying on a muddy sheet. That's all I remember. I'm pretty sure there was more, before that, but I don't remember what. I've never been good at remembering my dreams. I usually don't remember dreaming at all. I wonder why I did last night. Maybe it's because of the picture you drew.

I feel like the answers are just out of reach. That if I could only figure it out, this whole mess would become clear. Now you're saying that I created you? Why would I do that? Is it something I forgot? That would make sense. I mean, personality splits are often brought on by traumatic events. It would have been something pretty serious, though. I've seen plenty of disturbing things in my life so far. Sigh. I know the answers are right there. I just can't reach them.


	31. July 5 – 3:48 AM

July 5 – 3:48 AM

I went out running tonight. Thought I might see some fireworks but no luck. It was already too late. Everyone had already gone to bed.

Do you remember fireworks? I do. Loud and bright. Did you see any? You were up late enough. Or were you too busy puzzling to notice?

I've warned you. Done all I could. I wish it could have been different. I wish I had been smarter. I wish I had seen some fireworks.


	32. July 5 – 2:54 PM

July 5 – 2:54 PM

So, what? You're just giving up? Just like that? No more warnings? No more threats? No more consequences?

I think I'll head into town tomorrow and do some more research. If I can't find anything, I guess it's back to New York. I think I'll phone home either way. I've been gone too long. My family is probably worried. Defiantly getting a lecture when I get back.

And yes, I remember fireworks. The first time Master Splinter took us to see them. It was dark and we were covered. Mikey was terrified and wouldn't let go of Sensei for a second. Raph and Leo were fascinated. They were amazed by the loud bangs and bright colors. I was too but in a different sort of way. I wanted to know how they worked. Do you know the memory I'm thinking of? The time I tried to make home made one and lit the couch on fire? Sensei was so mad at me. I don't think I've ever done that many back flips before or since.


	33. July 5 – 11:39 PM

July 5 – 11:39 PM

How do you experience sleep? Do you simply coming in after a night of running around, lie down and wait to drift off. Do you experience that half awake, half asleep moment? Technically, it's stage one of the nightly sleep cycle. Funny, how you don't realize you're sleeping but you've already lost consciousness on the world around you. All you have to focus on are your thoughts. This is when the conscious mind is most free and connections that you couldn't make when awake are made.

How many times have forced myself to bed after an apparently impossible mechanical problem, only to jolt awake with the solution? Do you do that? I'm explaining this because that's just what happened, about twenty minutes ago. I was lying in bed, drifting off while I thought about you and me and Gabriel Moncton. I just didn't fit. I knew I was missing something, somewhere, some clue but I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't make the connection. And then I did.

I killed Gabriel Moncton. I don't remember doing it but that's the only thing that makes sense. She died June 11. You showed up early June 12, just in time for me to blame you. I made you and then I blamed you. Isn't that what you said? I burdened you with her memory because I couldn't stand it? See, even now, I'm still asking questions, even though you warned me. You were right, I didn't want to know this.


	34. July 6 – 3:09 AM

July 6 – 3:09 AM

I've been up all night. I think sleep is pretty hopeless at this point. I'm too scared.

Still have no memories of that night. I'm scared to let you out. Scared what you'll tell me. Déjà vu.

But even Leo needs to sleep sometimes.


	35. July 6 – 6:16 PM

July 6 – 6:16 PM

So, where were you today. Nothing to say? No "I told you so"? Are you even still there?

I just remembered I was suppose to go into town today to do more research. No need to now. I was going to call home. Obviously, I didn't. How could I after knowing what I did? How could I face them?


	36. July 7 – 1:00 AM

July 7 – 1:00 AM

The girl was an accident. We didn't mean to. We were trying to protect our family.

I tried. I tried but I can't protect you. I can't take your burden. I can't help you. I've made the call. I called. My brother knew. I don't know how but he knew. He knows I'm… split. He's coming. They're coming. I'm sorry. They'll be here when you wake up.


	37. July 8 –1:17 AM

_Written in a document on Donatello's computer_

July 8 –1:17 AM

We just got in because we had to wait until it was dark out to drive in the city, when it is less likely for anyone to notice the van was being driven by a giant turtle.

Just like you said, I woke up this morning to three bothers glaring down at me. But aside from that and some yelling from Raphael regarding his cycle, they were pretty mellow about the whole think. Worried but trying to hid it.

I think Leo told them about you. That's what you said, wasn't it? Leo knew I was split. I'm just guessing, though. Leo and I really didn't talk. He tried but I just pretended to sleep. Maybe I actually drifted off to sleep. I don't know. You probably do.

They're just letting me be, for now. I expect that tomorrow they're going to want some answers. And I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do. What am I going to tell them?

Mikey is still up. I went to get a glass of water. He lounging on the couch, watching a movie but when I came up, he suddenly sat up and watched me the whole time. Way to be subtle, little brother. I could see him wondering, _Is this the real Donine or the crazy one_. He doesn't realize that we're both crazy.

Leo was the one who probably set up shifts, so that you couldn't sneak out anymore. Or maybe he thinks I'll try to run off. After all, it was you who called them and told them where I was.


	38. July 8 – 5:41 AM

July 8 – 5:41 AM

You stayed up late last night. What are you afraid of now?

You haven't told them yet. I know. I left the room but no one was in the living room. Odd. You said there would be. But then Father came out of his room. He is always up early and must have taken the last watch of the night.

Father and I spoke. Should have done this in the first place. Should have done this instead of trying to handle this myself.

He knew. Knew I was his son. Knew I wasn't complete. He asked questions and I tried to answer but he asked questions that only you could answer.

Why am I here? That is for you to know and him to find out.


	39. July 8 – 5:48 PM

July 8 – 5:48 PM

Why are you still here? Why don't you just go away. Leave me alone. You're been nothing but a nuisance and a bother. Just go away already and let me be.

Master Splinter is letting me have my space, for now. He wanted answers so I gave him something so he would leave me alone. Told him about you. I could see he wasn't impressed and that he knew there was more than what I was saying. What exactly did you tell him last night? But he didn't press the issue. I guess he thinks that I'll come to him when I'm ready. Who else would I got to? Leo? Raph? Mikey?! I can just imagine their response. Leo would be disappointed. There would defiantly be a lecture or two in my future. Raph wouldn't see what the big deal was. He'd tell me to get over it and then get angry at me when I couldn't. And Mike? I don't know. He'd just want to play video games or something.

The truth is I don't want to talk to anyone about this, not Master Splinter or my brothers. I don't even know what really happened that night. All I have is your word and a couple of clues I picked up along the way. It would be extremely helpful if I could remember. Why can't I? And why are you still here?


	40. July 9 – 4:59 AM

July 9 – 4:59 AM

You know but you don't remember. When you remember, things will be different.

Talk to father. You know you need to. Tell him the truth. He can help. I can't. I'm sorry.


	41. July 9 – 9:56 PM

July 9 – 9:56 PM

I told Master Splinter everything. Everything I remember, at least. I showed him all the journal entries and the burns on my arms.

He held me and told me he loved me. And let me cry.

I don't have to tell the others yet, not if I don't want to. But I'm going to have to, eventually.

I just feel so exhausted. I'm going to bed.


	42. July 10 – 12:55 AM

July 10 – 12:55 AM

I woke up around midnight. I thought about going out for a run before remembering that the others are still watching me. I thought maybe I could ask someone to come out with me but that would mean I would actually have to talk to one of my brothers, something I've been avoiding.

Instead, I sat down to write to the other me when I realized something odd. I was the other me. I am the other me. It's the most bizarre feeling. I guess I didn't quite realize it at first. The two parts were so much alike but there were differences. The memories, mostly.

You see, I remember setting up the video camera to catch Mikey pulling his practical joke but I also remember turning off that camera. I remember splashing acid all over my arms and I remember waking up to find burns all over my arms. And I remember taking the sheets to central park, spending the whole night lying out there until, come morning, took those sheets and I threw them in a garbage can, thinking, _This'll trick him_. But I also remember my confusion when I discovered those sheets missing and my growing fear as I realized what that disappearance of those sheets meant.

I remember being so confused. Catch between wanting to tell me what was going on and knowing that I had to protect… myself.

And, of course, I remember what happened that night. It was raining, I was coming back from the Laundromat and I just wanted to get home. I wasn't being careful enough. She was there and she caught me on film and, well, you know the rest.

Is that all it took. Owing up to what I did? Is everything back to the way it was? I have a feeling that it is. After all, you're me and I'm you.

Actually, maybe I'll ask one of the guys to come out on a run with me. I feel cooped up in here. And I could really use something to drink. Something warm and red maybe?

* * *

A/N: So, I've decided to end the story here. Endings have never been my strong point and I'm a little disappointed with this ending. I feel that he later entries were not as well developed as the earlier ones. As I wrote, I noticed the journal entries getting progressively shorter. This was extremely hard for me to do, since I'm the sort of person who works months on a piece before posting. However, it was also a good experience and I can blame any errors or inconsistencies on the fact that it is suppose to be experimental. Thank you all for reading and reviewing. Your support really helped. : ) 


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